Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
