life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
