fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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