I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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