I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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