its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
