I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
