i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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