Your dad touched me again.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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