Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
