Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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