I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
