I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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