3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
