No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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