you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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