I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
