can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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