he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
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It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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