Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just found puke in my bra..
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
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Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
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Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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