Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
