my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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