i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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