Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
