god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
