I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
