You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
