Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
