I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
