tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
