I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
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