When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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