I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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