I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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