so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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