Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
