im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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