Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
