i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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