where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
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