Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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