If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
