She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again