At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
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If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table