first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
