I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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