The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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