This house was built for laser tag.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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