I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I still have a little drunk in my system
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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