you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
