Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
