Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
A+ Viking dick
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
