Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
