..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
