We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
