I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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