do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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