3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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