my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You have to summon your inner elephant
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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