you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
