you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
